Day 12: For Me, All the Pens

A little known fact about me: I hoard pens. 

I love to have an abundance of pens wherever I go and anyplace I may need them: inside my desk, on my nightstand, at the kitchen table. I have at least three — whoa, check that — 4 pens in my pockets as I write this. 

Last time I checked my backpack, I had a generous handful there - more than ten pens. I behaved, though. I redistributed all the pens out of my bag and around the house. Well, at least five of them. 

So, as I stare at the dwindling ink in today’s pen, I can think of at least one legitimate reason for this pen hoarding on my part. With all the writing I have done in the past 12 days, I have already used up several pens. 

At this point, I have even taken to rescuing pens when I see them laying discarded, forsaken, lost on the sidewalk. They usually still work! (Though they may sometimes be covered with jelly.) And, instead of them meeting a sad fate like getting crushed into 1000 pieces by a truck tire or falling into the gutter, I can sanitize them and restore them to their dignity and rightful purpose as pens (HT- Marie Kondo).

Thinking about this hoarding and the fears underlying it, I appear to be desperately afraid of running out of ink. 

In a practical sense, I want to be able to write things down as needed. However, in a more subconscious sense, I feel worried that I won’t be able to tell my story.

Therein lies the key to the pen habit. And at this point, my pen hoarding habit has intensified as has my need to speak my piece. 

At this point, I feel an overwhelming, compelling need to write. I need to tell my story and the story of family who came before me, known and as yet unknown.

I have lately dreamt of showing up places half-naked and exposed, like at the movie theater or the gym. Interestingly, in my dreams, I feel pretty okay with it.  

I feel aware of my nakedness and vulnerability, but I remain unabashed. 

When I began this challenge, I feared not having enough ideas to write about. But, it turns out comfort with vulnerability and generating material are not my limiting factors — time is.  

And possibly, having enough ink.